


The Secrets You Keep

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-13
Packaged: 2018-01-12 00:58:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1180008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin realises he's in love with Arthur, and the extra secret takes it's burden. Arthur senses Merlin's change in mood, and bullies the truth from Merlin. But is he ready to hear either secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's only after Merlin has saved Arthur's life more times than he can remember, rolled his eyes hundreds of times and just once realised he's spent the last hour watching the way that Arthur's back muscles move beneath his red shirt that Merlin realises he's in love with Arthur. And not just infatuated in love, but my life is so tangled with yours that to untangle us would destroy me in love. He tries, for a little while to see if it will fade, if he can pretend it's just that close knit friendship he'd always thought they had before. But it doesn't work, he finds himself observing Arthur more and more. The way his fair hair glimmers in the evening light, the way when he smiles, when he really smiles it starts on one side and he looks at Merlin with his eyes lit up. 

And he thinks about the way that Arthur acts. What he says to Arthur and what Arthur says to him. He finds himself searching for meaning in Arthur's words that he knows isn't there. Arthur can't feel the way Merlin does, would be as disgusted with Merlin's feelings for him as he would be disgusted if he knew of Merlin's magic. Two reasons to execute him. And it begins to wear Merlin down. Every joking jibe, every bantered put down he starts to take to heart, however hard he tries to see it as friendly. If Arthur knew, if Arthur knew. 

But Arthur doesn't know, but he does know that something is up with his usually unshutupable manservant. He doesn't laugh at Arthur's jokes any more, or if he does it's half hearted. He takes offense too easily and is jumpy. He tries asking Merlin, but Merlin just clams up, says nothing. He tries prodding more, prying more, jesting more but that seems to make the mood worse. And Merlin doesn't seem to notice attempts at compliments. Finally he insists that Merlin join him for dinner one evening and demands an explanation. Merlin cannot leave until he says what's going on. At first he's pretending that everything's fine, and is quite convincing. But as Arthur watches him, cracks show. First his lip twitches, then his brow furrows a little, then his chin wrinkles and his lips are turned down. And he's blinking and nearly crying. And now Arthur is getting really worried. Clearly Merlin is in really big trouble and he hasn't felt able to ask Arthur's help with it. He tries not to think about how it hurts a little that Merlin doesn't trust him.

"Merlin! Please! I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong"

"I can't!" Merlin's voice is quiet.

"Yes, yes you can! If someone is hurting you or going to hurt you... if you owe money..." Merlin laughs at that and then cries a little. But Arthur isn't budging and he has a formidable gaze. Merlin looks up at him, his eyes pleading and Arthur doesn't know what for, but he smiles sympathetically and Merlin moves his mouth a little before speaking. 

"Arthur I... I have a secret. Two actually" he laughs a little at that, and he's not looking at Arthur but down at his hands now. 

"And I have to tell you the first before I tell you the second... And you'll hate me for both of them"

'he's killed someone' thinks Arthur. 'they probably deserved it. We can deal with this'

"I... Arthur, I... I have magic, I'm a sorcerer" Arthur looks at him for a moment, studying him, rolls his eyes then says. 

"Seriously Merlin, come on, whatever it is! You can tell me" Merlin sobs once and turns to the fire as Arthur offers all the help he can think of. But when Merlin has stopped sobbing, he mutters something under his breath and his eyes light up. An honest ring of light where the blue that Arthur admires so much usually is. And the fire is flaring. Merlin turns back to him, eyes pleading. But Arthur feels like he's just discovered his pet kitten is a snake. He's up and out of his seat looking at Merlin in horror. 

"Arthur, I'm sorry! Please, I meant to tell you..."

"Out!"

"Arthur!"

"Get out! Before I call the guards" He sees the blink as Merlin registers the threat, the way his whole face falls, but then Merlin has leapt from his seat and is out of the door, walking fast, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. It isn't until hours later, in the dreadful quiet of the night, as his eyes burn and his pillow is wet with tears, that Arthur remembers he only knows one of Merlin's secrets.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur is ignoring Merlin, but others have noticed the King's favourite's fall from grace.

Arthur isn't talking to Merlin. But he desperately wants to know Merlin's second secret. Which means he's stuck in a rut. He shouldn't want to know, he shouldn't care. He's basically ignoring Merlin's existence, only speaking to him when he needs to order something done. It's been a week now and it's hell. Merlin looks miserable, which makes Arthur feel guilty, which then makes Arthur feel angry because he shouldn't be the one feeling guilty, that should be Merlin. Merlin's tried a couple of times to talk to him, but that was only on the first day and he glared at Merlin until he shut up. 

He's angry that Merlin has magic, but he's far angrier that Merlin kept it from him, he had no right! He slams his fist down which makes Merlin jump, and he takes some bitter satisfaction out of that. He finishes off the last mouthful of food from his plate and shoves it ungraciously forwards. 

"Take this away, then help me prepare for bed" says Arthur, not looking at Merlin. He hears the scrape as the plate is pulled away and then footsteps towards the door. He turns just in time to see Merlin's sad face as he opens the door. He kicks the table just to make the point. 

\---

Merlin is walking down towards the kitchens, wiping his eyes with his left sleeve whilst holding the plate with his right. He's just thinking about how life couldn't get much worse when the plate is struck from his hand. He finds himself flung against the nearest wall. 

"Hey, let go!" He is struck in the side of the face, his left eye. 

"Shut up if you know what's good for you! You're not the kings favourite any more! You're just a nobody like everyone else!"

"Yeah, worthless piece of gutter trash!"

"Got too big for his boots! We'll take him down a peg!" 

At least three big blokes have crowded him against a wall, one is holding his head so up and to the side in an uncomfortable position. He can't see them, he doesn't recognise their voices. They haven't even stopped talking before they start throwing punches, another to his face, most to his chest and gut. He collapses onto the floor and gets kicked in the stomach and his right hand trodden on before they decide it's enough and run away, melting into the dark of the evening. 

Merlin drags himself to sit against the wall, breathing heavily. Why didn't he use magic? He doesn't know. He was so upset, maybe, so shocked, so caught by surprise. So used to not being able to use it. He starts crying. He wants to run back to Arthur. Because he'll be safe there. But he won't, Arthur won't care. Arthur will think he deserved this. So after a few minutes he picks up the plate, drops it because his right hand hurts so much and then leans to pick it up again with his left. It hurts his stomach to move but he does it anyway. He manages to limp back to the kitchens with the plate then heads back to Arthur's chambers. 

Arthur is by his bed, nearly ready, he's just finished undressing.

"You're late, take my washing and go" he says, not looking up. Merlin wants him to look up. To look up and care but he doesn't. Not even when Merlin leans down to pick up the clothes that Arthur has strewn everywhere and can't help but let out a cry. He has to pick up the clothing with his left hand but that means balancing it on his right and his right hand is throbbing. Once he has all of Arthur's clothes he turns to where Arthur has already gotten into bed.

"Goodnight, sire" he says. He really wants Arthur to look up, but he doesn't. And he must have known something was wrong, must have heard the cries of pain. But Merlin was right. Arthur doesn't care any more. Merlin has lost Arthur's love as a friend because he was stupid enough to believe it could be something more. He was wrong, he should have been content with how things were. 

"Get out" says Arthur, without emotion. It's like a door slamming shut. More than that, the castle gates being barred, the portcullis lowered and the drawbridge lifted. But at the same time it's like he's been abandoned in the middle of a forest he doesn't know with no map and no compass. He walks out blinking fast. He practically runs back to Gaius', and locks himself in his room. He's hurt and scared and more alone than he's ever felt. He curls up into a ball and cries himself to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin heads back to work the next day

Merlin wakes the next day to the sound of birds singing and a beautiful blue sky. He finds it ironic and gets up without enthusiasm. As he pulls on his top he looks out of the window and the thought crosses his mind that he could run. He could pack a bag, take his horse and ride far away. No one would question him, no one would come after him...

No, Arthur would come after him, sword drawn. He'd be named a traitor and probably be hung at dawn the next day. Or burned or beheaded. And if Arthur didn't catch him he'd be living on the run. He couldn't go to his mother, that would be the first place Arthur would look. After the tavern. But Merlin has a destiny, he knows that. He has to keep Arthur alive, help him become the great king he is supposed to be. How can he do that living far away, as someone else? Merlin resigns himself that, at least for the moment he will stay in Camelot. Maybe Arthur will learn to talk to him again. He pushs that thought away. Arthur's anger is fierce and not easily forgotten. 

Merlin pulls himself from his thoughts and heads straight for Arthur's chambers without breakfast. He doesn't greet Gaius either. He can't face Gaius' concern, not now as he needs to keep himself together, at least until he has the prince up and out training. Then he can hide in laundry for a few hours and pretend nothing is wrong. 

The kitchen is always busy and mostly people are too busy with their tasks to pay much attention to Merlin as he collects the King's food. But Merlin is startled when he hears a voice address him loudly. 

"What've you done to your face?" demands the cook. Merlin doesn't think she's ever showed him this much concern. 

"It's nothing, I just... walked into a wall"

"Yeah, wall the shape of a fist" says the cook unconvinced, barring his way, her hands on her hips. 

"I need to get Arthur his breakfast" says Merlin, trying to move around her, beginning to feel anxious as others around him turned to look at him. 

"You need to get a new job, if this is how he treats you" says a maid whose joined the crowd, staring far too intently at him. 

"No, it wasn't Arthur, he wouldn't..." but the thought of Arthur doesn't help

"You've got in his bad books, boy. Get his breakfast to him on time and keep your head down." says the cook not unkindly and glares at the rest of the crowd who part to let Merlin through. He hurries up to Arthur's chambers and enters quietly, put the food on the table with as little sound as possible. Then he heads over to wake Arthur, shaking him slightly saying

\---

"It's morning sire" 

Arthur comes round to see the back of Merlin's head as he walks away from him to go and get Arthur's clothes from a nearby wardrobe. He doesn't say anything, just glares at the mop of black hair as he groggily props himself up and then slings his legs over the side of the bed. He's only wearing a pair of loose trousers. 

"I have training with the knights immediately, my armour better be ready" he says bitterly, barely glancing at Merlin as he heads to the table and sits down. He takes a few bites of the toast and eats a couple of pieces of bacon, then decides he isn't hungry. He walks over to where Merlin is fiddling with his padded jacket and quickly turns his back completely to Arthur when he hears Arthur approach. Arthur scowls at that. It's cowardly, for some reason he expects better of Merlin but then he guesses he shouldn't. He walks to his usual position for dressing and says.

"Get on with it then." Merlin dresses him, always glancing down to his left and not making eye contact. It's only when he's got his chain mail on and Merlin is attempting to do up some ties on his shoulder that Arthur realises something is wrong. He's getting fed up, Merlin's on the first of what will be a lot of knots to tie and he's taken five minutes with this already. In frustration he glares at Merlin, but finds himself studying him instead. Merlin's on the verge of tears and isn't looking at the knot face on, but to the side slightly. Arthur's about to comment on that when he notices the way Merlin's fingers. Those on his right hand are blue and clearly swollen. The middle finger and ring finger are an especially vivid colour.

"What happened to your hand?" he asks, frowning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur notices Merlin's injuries.

"What happened to your hand?" he asks, frowning.

"Nothing, 'ts nothing" says Merlin, his breathing clearly fast and he's blinking rapidly. Part of Arthur thinks he shouldn't ask, but it's dismissed almost before Arthur can register it.

"Merlin, what happened to your hand? Look at me when I'm..." Arthur grabs Merlin's chin and physically turns Merlin to face him. And that's when he sees the livid purple and orange mark that now surrounds Merlin's left eye and covers his cheek. It's angry and at the sides it's bled, but that's now dried. Arthur's words die on his lips and his brow furrows deeply. He drops his hand and Merlin drops his head. 

"Someone hit you" he says dumbly. All he gets is the slightest nod from Merlin. So many thoughts now jostle for dominance. Who did this? Why did they do this? How shall I punish them? Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he come to me? The thought 'Shall I help him?' never enters his mind. Arthur is sure by now of that at least. However angry he is, Merlin's hurt and he needs Arthur's help. Finally he says

"You haven't washed it, come on" he takes off the plating Merlin was grappling with then grabs Merlin by the arm and steers him towards the chair he'd just been seated at. He almost pushes Merlin into it. Now he's annoyed Merlin didn't say something earlier, but he regrets it when Merlin lets out a yelp of pain as he sits. Without waiting for Merlin to allow it, he pulls up Merlin's shirt to reveal his bruise ridden stomach. He almost loses his footing as he kneels, blinking back his own tears. This is bad, this is really bad, who knows how much damage has been done internally. He stares at it for a moment, then gets up and heads over to his bed, pulling off the chain mail and then heading over to the wash basin. He pauses there a minute, just breathing before picking it up and carrying it over to the table, where he places it near Merlin. He picks the cloth that always lays on the side of it and dips it in the water. He draws another chair closer to Merlin's and begins to very gently try and clean away the dried blood near his bruised eye. 

"Wh... do you know who they were?" he asks quietly.

"No" it's almost a whisper. 

"Why didn't you use magic?" he asks, and a little of his previous bitterness creeps back in.

"I don't know, I don't know. I just..." Merlin blurts. It's the first time he's been forthcoming. But Arthur's heard of such cases. Caught unaware, those who usually fight bravely and with skill can simply freeze. So he changes the subject.

"Do you know why they did it?". He thinks Merlin's just going to shrug his shoulders or shake his head. With these kind of attacks the reason is always senseless. But Merlin's looking shifty. Scared. 

"Merlin?"

"They... they said I... needed to learn a lesson." Arthur frowns and pauses in his work, lifting his hand away. 

"Said I got too big for my boots... just gutter trash" and Merlin's brow knits together like he's trying not to cry. Arthur finds himself shushing Merlin, then continues cleaning his face in silence for a while. They choose him because Arthur had rejected him. He knows that doesn't make it his fault. He didn't order this beating, but he can't help but feel a bit guilty. There's not that much blood, but there's enough and it's really dark and solid where it's dried against his cheek.

"When did they attack you?" asks Arthur. There's a pause.

"Last night" Arthur pulls the cloth away as he stops himself from yelling. Or crying. He doesn't know which one he's closer to. Merlin got attacked and then went to bed. Just like that. Merlin didn't clean himself up, didn't come to Arthur for help, just went to bed. He places the cloth in the bowl, ostensibly rinsing it and then brings it back to Merlin's cheek. For a moment they both sit in silence as Arthur works.

"Where?"

"On the corridor... by the courtyard... on the way to the armoury" Arthur knows the corridor but he's confused. That's far out of Merlin's way. 

"But why were you there?" There's another pause and Merlin's looking uncomfortable. Arthur has just decided he doesn't like Merlin having any secrets when Merlin says

"On my way to the kitchen"

"... but Gaius cooks your..." and then the piece of the puzzle clicks into place. He stares up at Merlin, distraught, because he can't imagine they'd come to this.

"Merlin! Merlin, did you... were you ... you were hurt when you came..." Merlin nods. He can hear the little moans Merlin made when picking up his clothes the previous night. Sounds that he'd put down to attention seeking and deceit are transformed in his mind to groans of what is clearly agony. He has more than a few broken bones. He'd ignored Merlin's pain. But Merlin had been within feet of him battered and broken and not said a word.

"Why didn't you say something?" He doesn't care if he sounds emotional now. Merlin's looking up at him, shocked, dumbstruck.

"Good God, did you think I'd turn you away? Did you think I wouldn't care? Do you think I'm that heartless, that cruel?" He's really crying now, the King of Camelot and he's crying because he was mean to a servant. But it's more than that. He convinced his best friend he couldn't care less. He's a monster. But then Merlin's grabbing at Arthur's hands and arms, not gripping much with his right. 

"No, Arthur I'm sorry, don't cry, please. I didn't mean it... I didn't think... I didn't think you could forgive me" Arthur looks up at this. 

"You're such an idiot" and when did he forgive him? He doesn't know, but he has and he drags Merlin forward to embrace him awkwardly. Merlin returns the hug, clinging with his left hand and pressing with his right. For a moment they both cry. And it's strange because it's different from crying alone. Because he can hear meaning in Merlin's crying even if it's not quite coherent. But it's 'I missed you' and 'I need you' and 'I'm hurting' and 'please forgive me' and his own cries seem to echo ' I missed you' and 'I need you' and 'I forgive you', like they're talking. When they pull away a little, just a little, Arthur studies Merlin.

"Merlin, I hated fighting like this. I don't want there to be any more secrets between us... that night when you told me about your... about how you... about the magic, you said you had a second secret"

"Arthur" 

"Merlin, please!"

"You'll hate me again"

"I won't, I promise"

Merlin's watching, battling with himself. But his resolve breaks.

"I love you"

"I love you too, now please, tell me!"

"No, I mean, Arthur, I..." Merlin's eyes suddenly go wide. And it's only then that Arthur realises how Merlin has taken it. He thinks he should probably deny it, claim he meant it in a clearly platonic way, and when he said it he did. But he's just realised what Merlin meant as well and his heart beat has just escalated wildly. And wherever they're touching he's now incredibly sensitive to, but he doesn't care because Merlin's not pulling away and now he's getting a shy smile which Arthur's mind has just described as adorable. Merlin shouldn't be adorable, so he takes the only reasonable course of action and kisses him quickly on the lips. His mind is rushing as he takes Merlin's hands in his because he wants to and he can... except Merlin yelps because Arthur's forgotten Merlin's probably got at least two broken fingers. 

"Right, firstly we need to get you to Gaius so that he can patch you up! Then we find out who did this to you and lock them up for a long time... In the meanwhile I think I should snog you at various points on the way to Gaius, just so that nobody else gets any ideas"

"Really?" says Merlin, raising an eyebrow. And it's music to Arthur's ears to hear him sound more himself again.

"Really, now get off your backside or I'll carry you there bridal style"

Merlin leans back in the chair and his eyes meet Arthur's. Daring him. Arthur smiles. Finally things are back how they should be.

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all comments on character, plot, language, description etc very welcome.


End file.
